A staggering number of people armed with functioning sight orbs can't even read anymore, they can asertain the meaning of invidual words, but sentences ellude so totally that they have to cling to the window dressing of review writing like a set of rosary beads over the projectile vomiting demon baby of literacy. Everything sounds like something else, but if one were to say "Kettering straightedge crust unit Let It Die sound like a heads-down Cursed or a less knuckledragging Tragedy, all feedback laced aggro tooth-spitting, and powerviolence dirges" the aforementioned illiterate would be confused, because in the magazines they read, bands only ever sound like other bands when they're bad. And when they're good, they sound like other bands being raped by a third band, or a fourth band on acid, or nothing to do with music at all, but a film or an object.
To merely sound like another band is A Bad Review, but to sound like another band with a flimsy qualifier is A Good Review, consequently they prefer: "Let It Die sound like Cursed forcing apart the bumcheeks of Tragedy and sozzling them with a mixture of blood and semen." Somehow that's better. That has become A Good Review despite not actually telling you anything more about the music than the first statement, and carrying with it unwanted images of anal rape. Or perhaps wanted, I don't judge. "Let It Die sound like the scene in Evil Dead where Ash is being dragged through the forest by the feet" - man alive, that is A Very Good Review Indeed, not only that but I came away completely unburdened by knowledge!
Marks play a part too, they're the lifebelt that the ignorant cling to in the swirling sea of words, and anything 7 or less is A Bad Review, regardless of the reasoning behind it. Our friends are unable to wrap their minds around the simple, irrefutable fact that if nothing is perfect (10), and 9 represents albums that are near perfection - Black Flag's 'My War', Napalm Death's 'From Enslavement To Obliteration', Aqua's 'Aquarium', Avril Lavigne's 'Let Go' - then there's no possible way that Let It Die are an 8, and it's highly unlikely they're a 7. But 6 is unforgiveable, 6 isn't only A Bad Review, it might even be A Shit Review and to them, there's no worse crime.
Well, other than pretending to throw a ball but actually keeping it in your hand.
To merely sound like another band is A Bad Review, but to sound like another band with a flimsy qualifier is A Good Review, consequently they prefer: "Let It Die sound like Cursed forcing apart the bumcheeks of Tragedy and sozzling them with a mixture of blood and semen." Somehow that's better. That has become A Good Review despite not actually telling you anything more about the music than the first statement, and carrying with it unwanted images of anal rape. Or perhaps wanted, I don't judge. "Let It Die sound like the scene in Evil Dead where Ash is being dragged through the forest by the feet" - man alive, that is A Very Good Review Indeed, not only that but I came away completely unburdened by knowledge!
Marks play a part too, they're the lifebelt that the ignorant cling to in the swirling sea of words, and anything 7 or less is A Bad Review, regardless of the reasoning behind it. Our friends are unable to wrap their minds around the simple, irrefutable fact that if nothing is perfect (10), and 9 represents albums that are near perfection - Black Flag's 'My War', Napalm Death's 'From Enslavement To Obliteration', Aqua's 'Aquarium', Avril Lavigne's 'Let Go' - then there's no possible way that Let It Die are an 8, and it's highly unlikely they're a 7. But 6 is unforgiveable, 6 isn't only A Bad Review, it might even be A Shit Review and to them, there's no worse crime.
Well, other than pretending to throw a ball but actually keeping it in your hand.
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