THE BAND WILL LAND AT THE AIRPORT AND WITH ANY LUCK YOU WILL HAVE ARRANGED FOR THEM TO BE PICKED UP AND SHUTTLED TO THE HOTEL/SHOW. PLEASE MAKE SURE THE SAID VEHICLE HAS AT LEAST ONE CRATE OF LAGER IN IT AS THE BAND ARE GOING TO NEED IT AFTER PUTTING UP WITH THE CLOSE PROXIMITY OF NORMAL PEOPLE ON THEIR FLIGHT OUT TO YOU.SUPPLYING A CRATE OF LAGER WILL IMMEDIATELY MAKE THE BAND AND DRIVER BESTEST FRIENDS FOR THE DURATION OF THE JOURNEY.THE SAME WILL BE REQUIRED FOR WHEN THEIR BESTEST FRIEND THE DRIVER PICKS THEM UP ON THE RETURN JOURNEY TO THE AIRPORT TO FUCK THEM OFF BACK TO ENGLAND AGAIN.
I’M SURE ALL THE CATERING SHIT IS ALREADY SORTED BY YOU BUT PLEASE BEAR IN MIND THAT THE BASS PLAYER FRANK HAS AN ALLERGY TO KIDNEY BEANS SO NONE OF THAT HIPPY FOOD FOR HIM PLEASE.
BEFORE,DURING AND AFTER THE SHOW PERFORMED BY THE BEAT COMBO KNOWN AS BENEDICTION:
A LOT OF LAGER, BY A LOT OF LAGER WE MEAN MORE LAGER THAN THE AVERAGE HUMAN CAN DRINK AND KEEP DOWN.WE WANT A LOT OF IT AND WOULD LIKE A “NAME” BRAND AND NOT SOME PISS WEAK CRAP FROM A SUPERMARKET BARGAIN AISLE. JUST REMEMBER THAT WE WANT A LOT OF LAGER. LOTS OF IT,IN PLENTIFUL SUPPLY AND LOTS OF IT.
IF POSSIBLE SOME CIDER FOR OUR VOCALIST WHO HATES LAGER BUT DON’T WORRY AS THE REST OF THE BAND AND CREW WILL DRINK HIS LAGER AS WE LIKE LOTS OF IT SO PRETEND THAT DAVE WANTS LAGER AS WELL AS CIDER.
6 TOWELS ,HANG ON, MAKE IT 7 AS NICK THE DRUMMER IS A BIG FAT BASTARD WITH MORE BODY AREA TO DRY OFF THAN THE REST OF THE BAND PUT TOGETHER,OR SHOULD IT BE 8 ?,WHAT DO YOU THINK ? WOULD NICK BE UPSET WHEN WE HAND HIM 4 TOWELS AND WE ONLY HAVE ONE EACH ? MAYBE HE IS SENSITIVE ABOUT HIS SIZE,I DUNNO,MAYBE WE SHOULD ASK HIM…NO THAT WOULD MAKE IT WORSE WOULDN’T IT.OK, LET’S STICK WITH 7 TOWELS.
A LOT OF LAGER
SOME ICE.
SOFT DRINKS.
A LOT OF SUGAR FREE CANS OF COCA COLA/PEPSI FOR THE MOANING DRUMMER.
SOME SNACKS OF SOME SORT.
PLENTY OF BOTTLES OF STILL WATER,NOT THAT FIZZY SHIT,THEY HATE THAT FIZZY SHIT,THE BAND ARE NOT FRENCH SO THE FIZZY SHIT WILL LITERALLY BE FUCKED OUT THE NEAREST WINDOW ALONG WITH ANY SHIT SUPERMARKET LAGER THAT YOU MAY RISK SNEAKING INTO THEIR ROOM.LOTS OF LAGER PLEASE.
SOMEONE TO ASK “WHERE IS OUR FUCKING NAME BRAND LAGER”
I THINK THAT MAY BE IT FOR THE UP TO THE SHOW BIT BUT IF IT ISN’T THEN WE WILL ASK THE SOMEONE TO ASK PERSON ON THE DAY.
FIVE MINUTES BEFORE SHOWTIME REQUIREMENTS:
PLEASE ADHERE TO THE FIVE MINUTES BEFORE SHOWTIME THING AS LETTING THESE ENGLISH FUCKING ANIMALS HAVE THE FOLLOWING ANY EARLIER MAKES THEM THINK THEY HAVE ALREADY PLAYED THE SHOW AND WILL CELEBRATE BY DRINKING THE FUCKING LOT AND YOU WILL END UP LISTENING TO THEM PLAYING SOME MAD FREEFORM DEATH METAL JAZZ SHIT COVERED IN EACHOTHERS FAECES.
ONE MAN SIZED BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS OR JIM BEAM (TO BE HANDED TO THEIR STAGE MANAGER KIEREN OR BASSIST FRANK OR GUITARIST DARREN AS THEY ARE THE GREEDY ONES)
LOTS OF ICE
A LARGE BOTTLE OF COCA COLA/PEPSI. AGAIN NONE OF THAT VILE SUGAR DRENCHED BARGAIN SHITE.
ONE MAN SIZED BOTTLE OF VODKA.
ONE BOTTLE OF HALF DECENT RED/WHITE WINE AS PETER THE GUITARIST LIKES TO SIT THERE LIKE A PONCE THINKING HE IS CULTURED AND BETTER THAN THE REST OF BAND.
AT THIS POINT WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR A SPARE PAIR OF UNDERPANTS AS WELL BECAUSE PETER THE GUITARIST TENDS TO WET HIMSELF AFTER SAID WINE THUS PROVING THAT HE IS NOT CULTURED OR BETTER THAN THE REST OF THE BAND.
AT THIS POINT SOME MORE LAGER WOULD BE NICE.
I THINK THAT MAY BE ABOUT IT.
DON’T FORGET ABOUT THE LAGER OK? VERY IMPORTANT THE LAGER BIT IS.
THANK YOU,
LOVE AND KISSES, BENEDICTION.
Make sure you check them out at Obscene Extreme, to see what you get for your 18 crates of pilsner and seven towels.
No comments:
Post a Comment